Anything Goes

Posted on 29 March 2012

63 years ago today I was born. I love my birthday. It’s the one day a year that I allow myself to do as I please without wondering if I should or should not say something, do something. And the older I get the easier it is to please myself.

“In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking/ but now heavens knows anything goes.”

Well nearly anything goes.

I am in Toronto at Gill and John’s place. All is quiet as they have gone to work. I look out their livingroom window and I see water, a harbour, and a runway (Toronto Ciy Airport is next door.) I love their place and where it is situated but I know they pay for such beauty.

I have a cup of tea at my right hand and here I sit writing. I allow myself this pleasure today. I wonder why I don’t pretend that it’s my day on other days during the year.

I am always running, doing something. I want to create a perfect life. I am “addicted to perfection” though I am not sure how to define “perfection” or what I would consider a perfect life.

In many areas, I am content with where I find myself at 63 years. I love where I am living. The countryside is rich and beautiful, especially when the sun shines and it shines often.

Two days ago when I left, I went to the main square, to the bar for some cigarettes and to the Patisserie for a croissant. I said “bonjour” to several acquaintances. I had forgotten it was market day and local farmers were setting up their stalls. I was attracted to a trolley full of fresh herbs and went over, smelled, and bought a pot of fragrant basil. Next to the produce was the pizza van and I greeted Denis and told him that I was leaving for Canada. “Oh la la” he said – he really said this – and when I told him that I was seeing Gill, he asked that I give her a bisous, a kiss.

Village life can be charming and some days when I’m wandering and speaking a word of French here and there, I want to pinch myself to make sure I am really here, living in a foreign land, struggling to communicate, loving the simplicity of country life when most of my life I thought of myself as an urbanite.

March 29th is a good day to be born. Spring is usually starting to show herself and it is especially fine when the sun is shining.

I awoke this morning and Gill gave me a smack on the lips and served me coffee in bed. I received a number of loving birthday messages online wishing me all sorts of wonderful things.

Soon I shall dress and meet my older sister and we’ll catch a train to Ajax where we spent our teenage years. This was my choice. I imagine we will wander and talk about change, and find a cosy place to eat lunch. In the afternoon, John and Gill will pick us up and we’ll go to my parents where I know we’ll have another birthday feast. (Gill and John prepared an amazingly delicious spread for me last night in honour of my birthday.)

I do feel blessed. Yes, there are areas of my life with which I struggle. I would like to be bolder, more assertive, more alone, more together but today, I won’t worry about them.

I intend to play me some Country and Western music and laugh and enjoy myself.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
… I don’t have time
To go round and round and round

I made this short video about me over a year ago just for me but then I put it on Vimeo not realizing that anyone could view it. The point of it was not to be nice but show myself as I am. Every picture has its own story. And The Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice” felt like a good theme.


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